when i go to a new blog, i always check march. see, my birthDay is march 22, 1973... i'm not into astrology, or anything like that. but i always check march.

anyways, i was really moved by this entry. i never met my dad until i was 17, and never got to know him until i was in college, when he and my mom remarried (yeah, after 21 years, my folks remarried each other. can you believe it).

it was a happy occurence for him and my mom, but was really disruptive to my family... long story short, when he died in 2005, i still didn't feel like i knew him. he hadn't been there for me growing up, and when he came back, it drove a wedge between me and my mom... and i hated him for that. the messed up thing was, i loved him too.

the point is, i did right by my dad, as best i could. after years of him and my mom ignoring me, when they called for me come and talk with him as he laid on his deathbed, i came. not because he deserved it (that's not for me to say), but because it was what i needed. emotionally and spiritually.

i think you did what you needed too. people were probably helped by you sharing that. thanks.

D -

As a true New Yorker and Hip Hop fan I first want to thank you for your blog. It is now 1/4/07 and I discovered your site for the first time... even downloaded the tr808 is coming (which I haven't heard since the mid-80s!)

I felt compelled to write after reading about your history with your dad. I agree with your point that, to move forward and love you will have to eliminate the hate felt towards your father. As I suspect many have, I too had to deal with my dad not being around. I saw him maybe 5 times my entire life with the first time being at 6 years old and the last time as a college senior with him on his death bed. Funny thing is that I almost didn't go to see him in that hospital room that day. My mom, who suffered physical and mental abuse from this man, begged me to see him and I am glad I did. I spent the first 2 hours of my visit cursing him out and the last 3 forgiving him. He died a week later, a few days before my graduation. I am happy I confronted my past and anger and made peace with it. I am a better man for it and, I am sure, so are you. Thanks for sharing brother. You ARE and will always be, Hip Hop.

Peace,

Sha-Ron
Brooklyn B-boy since '73

I've had my struggles with my father but nothing to this magnitude. I use the tag "royce's daughter" because of how God allowed me to overcome my anger and work through the pain with my fahter. But the difference is that my father accepted all the responsibility for his absence and acknowledged the pain he caused to me as a result, despite how brief his absence was. That made the difference...so your father is right. Real Men Do Real Things...Real Men!!! Unfortunately the aftermath of days gone by still have their affects...at 33 I'm still single and I know that a lot of it has to do with my experiences with my father, the fear that I'll love a man as much as I did (do) him and they leave me when I need them most. I allow people to get close but never close enough...young parents don't understand how crucial it is for children to have a relationship with their parents at an early age and what not having that relationship could do to them over the long-term. I'm glad to see that you're working through your painful experience and becoming a better man despite having had to live it. I'm sitting here going through your old stuff and just finding myself amazed at your words, strength, talents...I pray you never lose sight of just how amazingly inspiring your work and your story is to so many.

Be Blessed!!!

Royce Jr.

I can relate.

On behalf of approximately 90% of my students, I thank you for expressing yourself in such an unselfish way, many people do not have the courage to speak about the effects of an absent or abusive parent. More men especially should take the time to confront this and share it with younger men. I will be sharing this with my students as a part of my advisory group in middle-school. I know I am a little late responding - I just discovered the site, but I pray that you are at peace wth this issue or it continues to be a work in progress.

- Jamila

I want to say that it was meant for me to read this blog had no idea that it would be about a son and a father's relationship? Me being a daughter I am going through the same thing. My father was never there and the only time I ever heard of him was when his check came late. But I am working through some kind of hatred that I have. I have never had a relationship where I could truly give of myself. I really think it is because I never knew personally who my dad was. I in a sense did not have respect for men. So because I felt this way I never gave them respect. But real men do big tings!!!! And I am glad that you are that real man!!!

It takes a strong man to confront his past, but it's essential when trying to progress in the present and future. I'm going through a similar situation, so I'm feeling you.

I'm extremely late in commenting on this post...but better late than never, right? Many people in our generation (and the generations that have followed) had an absent father. It took me years to realize that I had a "father" issue, but when I figured out what it was, I was also able to see how it affected all areas in my life and relationships.

I so desperately needed a man in my life that I practically smothered every boyfriend that I ever had just to keep them close...to keep them from leaving. It never worked. I paid $300 to attend a self-help seminar when I was 22. I didn't go in with a father issue, but I came out with one. The first person I went to see after the program was my father...and for 6 hours I dumped every bit of emotion that I had been carrying around nearly my entire life.

Today my father and I have a healthy relationship - as healthy as one can have and I learned to forgive (because we are ALL human and imprefect) and I moved on.

The important thing in your process is understanding where you anger comes from, addressing it and moving towards HEALING...it takes time - and no matter what he will conitnue to be who he is and you will continue to be who YOU are...you have become a success in your own right - without him. Be proud...I know your supporters and fans ARE!

Best of luck to you...

One word - dope.

Hey D,
I am very happy to know that you are stronger than hate. I can imagine how FREE your soul feels after that confrontation. I've had issues w/ my father in the past too...

You know there is a point in life when you become the "parent" and your parents are the "kids"... and you have to be a bigger person and swallow your pride, reach out and confront them, then forgive them so you can move on w/ your life... I had to do that. I can never prove my father wrong or get him to admit to it but I can see it in his eyes and that's enough for me. As much as I hated him when I was younger I still loved him at the same time. We're the same blood... you know what I mean... And as I got older I have learned to keep peace with him. I know deep down he wanted the best for me and it took me a while to understand that. I have forgiven him for all the pain he caused me because it was effecting my relationships and it was hurting him as well.

I hope that you will eventually find peace with him because it's never too late to have a father. And you only have 1! He is getting old so he needs you now more than ever... trust me! Spend whatever time you have left with him. And build new memories w/ him so you'll have something good to remember him by before it's too late.

Love, Peace & Happiness!
Tamara.

You know, I love this completely, D, I do. And what a timely subject. I have just taken the courageous step of contacting my daughter's father after seven years of no communication. God was dealing with me to let go of the hate and you know, it is a wonderful thing. I realize we are human and do a lot of young and dumb things in our lives, we can't expect our parents to be any different. We have to love them and by OUR examples of forgiveness and maturity, we all can begin to heal. Their denial about their role in the past come from their own self-hatred. We must remember we're a generation that's big on expression and verbalizing our thoughts -- our parents didn't come from that generation, they locked everything inside. But we can do it better now, D. I know I can, that's why I started with my daughter's father. Be well, brother.
Kiki

Long time no see, bro. It's been about twenty years or so I guess. It's funny when you are just kids and you see other kids in situations you never really understand whats going on. As adults you hear the same story and you think, wow. I have often asked myself, I wonder what D is doing, and now I know. Keep on doing what you are doing. If you don't be careful you might find yourself becoming a pioneer in the Hip Hop genre yet again. I pray that life have been kind to Vanessa and Shawn (tell her I said what's up), hit me back whenever you find time. Be blessed

oh the rawness of it all. brother D-Nice...can't say i relate coming from a 2 parent home w/ my folks married 51 years and still rolling strong.

what i will say is, i kinda stumbled upon your site. lived near 145th and Covanent b4 i moved back here to DC (for the moment). Had a chance to attend a Hip Hop Conference and 2 years ago and met a few older hip hop cats. crazy to see some of my own peers with greying temples and ponch bellies. I usta idolize you cats from my old MTV raps and The mayor Chris Thomas on Bet days.

Who knows what people are like and going thru?
Everyone seemed so larger than life. Its not til you get older and realize people are just people.
just cause you rap star don't mean you don't have your share of problems. I am glad to be reading your personal history about your father. I am proud of courage brother. Its only at 38, I can realize that grown ass men still crave their fathers...and ain't a damnm thing wrong with it.

I am glad to know you are a photographer like myself. I am glad to say that I feel I can appreciate you and Hip Hop and the wisdom of maturity for realizing that all of us are just people trying to do our thing. No longer do i have the fog of celebrity in my way. Not that it was main factor in my life..just that i can see now at 38 how much we all can be multidimesional, and flawed, and beautiful and focused into becoming our better selves.

D-Nice I don't know you brotha, but i feel like I do. Your askin' questions and seeking answers and
doing what Cornel West calls that relentless self critque.

You'll be fine brotha...

It's one thing to have hate in your heart..its another to know you gotta remove it...not for his sake..but your own.

keep pushin

and keep takin pictures

cyber hug,

Angela
wash, dc

D, Let me start by saying that the damage that drugs have done to most innercity families is tremendous and it transcedes all boundaries of color, race, and ethnicity. This same damage has been the anchor of music including hiphop, salsa, rock, pop, merengue since at least the 60's. It has tainted the education of minorities in ways that is almost invisible to the eye. It has made being smart in how to buy drugs, cut drugs, package drugs, and sell them big business as opposed to studying to become a pharmacist and making a risk-free and very profitable salary which can buy the house, the car, the plasma t.v. and every other faddish or stylish thing the heart desires, without having to look out behind your back at work on a daily basis. Drugs has destroyed most of my family, It has sent alot of my family to Jail, destroyed the families they have made, and has them mentally far behind the average man, woman, and child. It has them really thinking about the dollar and a dream in a more desperate, REAL way, than the average "let's take a chance to see what happens" kind of way. This desperation usually leads to theft which usually leads to Jail again. This cycle that drugs, especially crack, has done has to be stopped. This glorification of drug dealing, etc. seems to me more of a natural reflex for some, due to drugs destroying their families, or the neighborhood pressure to be down. I think you have stepped up and out of your comfort zone to be able to BLOG away something very personal such as your family situation. In doing this, I think that you as a figurehead in HipHop are indirectly letting people rethink their hurt and pain drugs have caused them and their relatives and let them try to rebuild or heal the wounds they have walked around with for years. I have come to terms with my parents who both were zombies of Crack, leaving me to live with my Paternal grandmother at 170st. and webster in the Butler Houses. They have been clean for some time, but are now divorced for at least 20 years and live in other states- PA and FL. I love hiphop and all it has given me in the 33 years of my life. I live in Germany now as a Broadcast Journalist for the Army and before that for 3.5 years I was stationed near Tokyo and Yokohama Japan and HipHop is everywhere. But the culture of HipHop is what interests me the most. My way of being in all that I do is due to the Cold Crush Brothers, to Afrika and Zulu Nation, to doug and slick, to BDP , Jungle Brothers, and Red Alert, to NAS and Big Pun. That for me is HIPHOP. Not of half of what is out there which I call "HIP POP". LOL...Say HIP HOP fast three times and then you can hear where we are at today. It was always about the music and never about the drugs to me. Seeing my father sell drugs, I knew that there was something better than that. Something better than willingly killing my fellow Puerto Ricans, Blacks, cubans, and dominicans just to feed my family. The Government has played a great hand in dividing and conquering us. Keep up the good work and I hope you influence all those that are influential in this business to set up a Blog and Lead from the front with what's REAL and help others build. It's kind of like the Matrix. Don't let others live in the fake world. Show them and guide them and they will follow the right way. I wish I was back home in the boogie down. This administration is killing my spirit. If you get a chance, please email me. I would like to discuss something with you. I emailed you a few times, but no response. If all you do is read this then, I hope all is well in you and YOURS Life. No Pun intended but, Peace in the Middle East.

I don't know why I'm postin this cuz I dont think you even gonna respond to this... I wrote a few months back about how I ran into your moms in Harlem while back...I understand more than MOST would about abandonment..In fact I stayed in a group home where your old label-mate K.R.S. used to stay on Lacombe Ave.

My pops gave me away to the state cuz of his own personal problems..and when I became much older, old enough to understand his BS reasoning for doing so...I became bitter noT only towards him, but also towards my family for not coming to my aid in my time of need.. You know, I ran into my father in my late teens, and in his drunken stupor, he made demands and tried to "lay down the law" as if he was still running ISHT and paying for the non-existent roof over my head. To put things short...proverbially, we butted heads like the rams on the nature channel..AND I GOT THE BEST OF HIM!!! I felt as if it was some sort of a payback for all those senseless beatings I recieved as a kid..on the behalf of him trying to make me more of a MAN!! So I know more than most about abandonment and retaining hate...!!!!

Oh yeah, now as an adult I hold down a job which I enjoy, am in a productive and happy marriage with a bottom a** bit**!! So in retrospect man....NOTHING HOLDS TRUER TO ME THAN A VERSE CONTRIBUTED BY A HIP-HOP ICON AND LEGEND ...RAKIM....IT AIN'T WHERE YOUR FROM...IT'S WHERE YOU'RE AT!!! ...and even more....WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!!

Damm D, it doesn't get more real. Its a good thing that love is more powerful than hate. I've learned a lot good things from some bad experiences - sounds like you have that cornered as well. Stay positive Brother - a brick can never steal that.

Tony

I don't even know what to say. I just want to hug you.

Thank you for sharing this. Funny, I live not too far from the household you describe and I work with many young men in our community who are dealing with many of the same issues you are working through. I commend you for beginning this journey but also recognizing that your experiences have the potential to repeat themselves and affect the lives of others (i.e. your daughter). We learn just about everything in this world from others, especially how to love and to hate. More often than not, we forget that how we love can be even more devastating that how we hate. Real men do real things, that's for sure, and you are one of those men. How else could you be so conscious at this time of your power to self-heal, develop, and nuture. We have the power to write our history. It's a pleasure to bear witness as you write and rewrite some of your own.

Bless
Dara B

PS, lol at JLO and baseball

Congrats on making that first step of getting rid of your demons. I had to do the same exact thing three years ago. Take it from someone who knows each and everyday will be better because of the first step that was made.

My pops died of a heroine overdose when I was 10. Although drugs killed him, he had not been a (known) addict before he died suddenly so I never saw close up the effects of drugs on our relationship as far as that goes. After hearing stories of absent fathers and living with drug addicted parents, I came to the conclusion that I would prefer to have it happen the way it did rather than having him become an addict and see his life deteriorate-maybe some sort of twisted blessing in disquise? He was a GREAT father for those 10 years and who's to say if he would have continiued to be that great person had he become an addict. My hate was toward the lady who I believe KILLED my father and stuck the needle into his arm. But in some way I have forgiven her so I can be free. I feel sorry for her and I refuse to carry the negativity with me--I try to keep everything and everyone in my life positive because Pops taught me better than that. He had a lot of PAIN in his own life that I can't even imagine growing up with an alcoholic grandfather, he watched him mom die at home when he was 5, being a black panther in the 60's in Birmingham, AL...being shot by police and thrown in prison without treatment for his wound, not having HIS father in his life. I know what drove him to try to escape through drugs, though there really is NO excuse.

Lucky for us who need to see what real men look like, there are still some real men out there even though they don't come a dime a dozen. I found one and I married him with the QUICKNESS.

What's crazy to me is the irony that D-Nice (Derrick Jones) was going through this while I was looking at him like he was one of those real men even back in high school. I never would have known listening to Get in Touch With Me that he wouldn't be "someone I could talk to." Get your heart right, D, God is really working on you-that's a father who will never leave us. If you can do all you have done with this hate in your heart, it's hard to even imagine what you can accomplish once you are rid of it.

Keep sharing. Your peeps love you.

Peace D,

Thanks for sharing. Keep your head up. You've accomplished a lot on your own and are a true inspiration.

PEACE!

ILLUS

D,

This is a great blog, D. Passionate, honest, courageous. You should consider writing a book. You have an inspirational story to tell. And you're a great writer. Don't sleep...

much love and respect.

Raqiyah

Raqiyah Mays
Writer
Hot 97 DJ, Sundays 1-5p
Entertainment Reporter, The Kiss FM Wake Up Club, 98.7 Kiss FM
Executive Editor, The Ave Magazine

lol@loving J-Lo & baseball.

but seriously, you have a lot of courage & restraint (for not bashing him up side his head!). i think that by you knowing that he is at the root of your paind and anger, that is the first & possibly the most important step to letting it go. you are already doing what you need to do to be the man you want to be.

peace.

This feels so familiar. My heart wishes you well.

I applaud you for confronting your father. I've thought about doing the same with mine. He was pretty decent when I was younger but when he remarried while I was in college it seemed like he kind of moved on with his new family. I have seen him about 5 times since 1999. For me, its hard to confront people who obviously don't give a damn, which is something my father and my sons' father have in common. It just makes me angrier when they deny the the things they've done that hurt me or if they try to flip shit on me. Why speak to either of them? It just makes it hurt more. But maybe you are on to something. Maybe I just don't understand the choices they made. I hope we all can find the closure we are seeking in these types of situations with family. It's so important and it doesn't happen by itself. Keep at it, D.

Hey D, I don't know excactly what u r going thru but my dad died a horrible death due to drugs. He was tied and gagged his feet cemented and then thrown into Detroit River. The result of his addiction is my older silbilings are addicted to drugs. I have been wondering what's the difference between them and me I have smoke weed and tried drinking but far as any other thing stronger then that forget it. But u are a Real man because u stood up to u'r past and had closure. Frm me to you keep being a great role model for our young black men. Sincerly yours Terry AkA TEE

YOU ARE THE MAN THAT YOUR POPS WILL NEVER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE THE MAN THAT YOUR POPS WILL NEVER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D.. I totally understand this situation, my situation is similar but with a twist. My mother left. One thing we choose as adults is to either hold on the resentment or understand where they come from and let it go. Both my parents were addidcts, but I lived with my father and his mother. I felt that everything I wanted to accomplish musically was hindered due to the fact I wasn't able to be taught by any of my family how to believe in myself, since my parents wouldn't do it. Up until I was 22 I had a very love hate relationship with my mom and one day I just said to her "You were a weak minded individual and I have to accept that." "I don't doubt you loved me, but I know that you wanted your life and freedom over children. I am sorry for you, because you missed out on something special." To this day we do not discuss it, I let it go right there.

Stay up!

P.S. Know that your father was weak and allowed the drugs to control him. The first stage in rehabilitating yourself is acceptance. He has not accepted which is why he still blames others. Just pray for his deliverance.

Cola

That story kinda touched home to me as well, D-Nice. I've had problems in my previous relationships because of the detached relationship that I had with my father.

I had the chance to make peace with him before he passed on last year. Although he never really apologized for the way he'd treated my brother and I, I still forgave him because I didn't want that hatred in my heart when he died.

some people are meant to be loved from afar.

How are you King?

Thank you for sharing your story. It
touched my heart and soul. I have men issues because my father was absent a lot and he still is. I have a lot of rage and hate towards men and
reading your story is very helpful. I am working on healing and I am happy for you that you released your anger. When you said your dad blamed your mother, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. That is my pet peeve when people
blame others for their mistakes in life. He needs to look at the man in the mirror like Michael Jackson's song. We are all responsible for our actions and if men are abscent as fathers, it is only their fault and it will come back to haunt them. My daughters father always showered her with gifts and he had an absent father also. He was murdered in Oct 2005 and I have to teach my daughter that love is more important than material
things. She thinks that I'm supposed to buy her expensive things and it is hard because her father isn't here anymore. Well thank you again for sharing. I love your journal! That's real talk.

Peace King, Passion

thanks for making public a very private segment of your life. many of us need such reminders as we have lived a similar situation. it's hard to completely "remove all the hate from your heart." trying to forgive and embracing those that love you is an easier path. cat

Damn D! That shit fucked me up fo real! The circumstance is different but the pain iz not My pops passed away when I was 14 years old. moms waz pregnant wit my lil bro And I waz mad vexed at pops for leaving us. It took me years to get over all of that drama in my life. Now at 36 I have finally put that anger to rest. There were times that I wanted to be with him just to have that last chance to tell him that your son is good now. You have that chance. PEACE BROTHER.

It's amazing to me that so many of us (black folks) have made it without fathers. I never knew my father until I was 18. He didn't know about me. So for 7 years I contemplated trying to reach him. My mother urged me not to, since it was her choice to not tell him. But my curiosity was killing me. And the same as you with relationships, it was affecting my life with men. So at the age of 25, I decided to call him. At first he couldn't remember, then he denied it and snapped at me. And that was it. I never thought much about him after that. My mother passed away 8/04, and in 10/05, I found out that he had died 3/05. I wish now that things had been different. But I believe that's the path God had for my life. Choices our parents made affect us in our adulthood, the good and the bad. Your father was an addict. And although he should have been able to make better choices, he didn't, so it was a blessing he was absent in your life. "Forgiveness offers the possibility of two types of peace: peace of mind -- the potential healing of old emotional wounds, and peace with others -- the possibility of new, more gratifying relationships in the future." May God bless you all, and Derrick continue to keep us listening.

Love,
Trina

I made a copy of this blog to take home to my wife (Only email acess is at work). Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself.

Yeah, brother. I think your friend is 100% correct and this is deep. My kind of thing. Listen, first of all, you have to ask yourself is several important questions.

A) Do I believe in God's almighty wisdom and purpose

B) Do I love myself, and I mean really think about this, D. because its simple to say, but hard to do.

I believe EVERYTHING, and I mean everything happens by the will of a greater power; whether you call this power, God, Allah, Jehovah, Jah, is ilrelevent. What matters is, do you beleive in God's almighty wisdom and do you believe that all things happen by God's will.

If so, then all the good as well as the bad exists by that will. I've come to accept that. My father wasn't there for me either, and it had nothing with drugs; he's just a distant person. I know this because I turned out just like him.

But I've gotten to a point in my life where I can see the faces of my children, and my wife, who I love dearly. And you know something, if everything thats gone wrong my life was part of God's will to bring me to the point I am in my life now, I WOULDN"T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

I'm happy with my life, and don't have too many regrets. I've done good, and I've done dirt, I've been shitted on, and I've shitted on others. although I never had a father figure to steer me right, I have many clear examples of what I DON'T want for my children.

I still love my father, but he's in and out of my life. Last time we talked, My wife was pregnant with my oldest girl, and he was the happiest man in the world since he's always wanted a daughter, but never had any, So he was going to spoil his grandaughter. cool, I figured.

he made all kind of promises and such. Well, 6 years have passed and he still hasn't seen her; in fact he doesn't even know he has two more grandaughters from my wife and I, and another two from my brother and his girl.

Thats 5 grandaughters he has never seen, 4 of which he doesn't even know exist! I beleive he was sincere about wanting a daughter, and wanting to be in the life of our grandchildren. Unfortunately, he's a victim to his ways, and he has to come to terms with that.

I can't be mad at him, and love the life around me. It just doesn't work that way, so what you really need to do is confront yourself and look into your soul for your answers.

but if it means anything to you, when I was coming up, the only real guidance I had, was from a bunch of cats that got together on a record and said "Stop the Violence". Everything I am today, everything I know, the pursuit of knowledge,the conscience path I travelled, was inspired by those guys.

You get it? You were one of my "father figures" when I didn't have any, and I'm sure I ain't the only cat out there that feels that way. For some guys, the music that inspires them, may be the only guidance they'll ever have in life. I am indeed blessed, I can see that.

Now its time to sit back, analyze yourself and recognize some of that greater power in yourself. Learn to see the beauty around and see God's hand in it. When you do, you will be truly free.

Cruz-Cipher

REAL MEN DO REAL THINGS!!!
And my darling, you are a real man....
forever and always***!!!

REAL ME DO RESL THINGS!!!
And my darling, you are real man....forever and always***!!!

Hey D, thanks for sharing your journey to freedom. Wow, it's amazing how hate and unforgivess can control the harborer and not suspect. I just experienced a situation of freedom with an ex-boyfriend of mine; he was beyond terrible to me in our relationship and I believed hating him would give me power and control over the situation-something I lacked while dating him. I was 22 then and now 34 and I still feel empowered when I say, "I can't stand his ass". I blamed him for many of my fears. I've said for years that I wanted to forgive him but I felt like I was giving my power away by letting go of the hate. Well, he reached out to me recently via classmates.com and offered an apology and I told him I did forgive but made it clear that forgiving him was not an open invitation for him to be a part of my air. I tell you it was the first time I felt a layer hate lifted off of me-it felt really good and I felt more empowered that day then in all of those 12 years of hating him....forgiveness-even at a slow pace is the key to freedom...I pray for your journey and ask God to replace your hurt with peace. Peace over situations that are beyond our control is so comforting. Thanks for your expression because you have truly helped me with mine...thanks again.

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to empathize with strangers than it is to empathize with your loved ones? My boyfriend had the misfortunae of being brought into this world by two heroin addicted parents. After reading your story I realize the pain he goes through. I often question certain things he does, I guess its been hard for me to "get it" because I am lucky enough to have two parents that took good care of me. I can barely wrap my head around the pain and abandonment you both must feel. Its amazing how our childhood plays such a huge role in how we develop as adults and how we interact with others. Good luck with releasing the hate you feel. Thank you for sharing.

I am Extremely touched by this Journal Entry...Please continue on BEING YOU!! And doing GREAT THINGS!! You have many more Blessings just around the corner.

So wait a minute...
this ain't about homegirl from B.E.T. ???

Wassup D,
I really enjoyed this letter!! i have experience some of the same issue's, tell this day my little sister still wont have any dealing with our father(she havent seen him since she was 5years old she,s now 23) but i have taken on that roll which is all good!! i alway say when she's ready, she will make that step......

P S. your still sexie as HELL!!!!!!

Wow, Give Me Free� as with Cinque from Amistad and all others who have commented about their struggles. I truly hope that you have/ will free your mind and soul. Just as Cinque led the revolt that ultimately led him to freedom for him and his people. By sharing your situation with us you�ve initiated a your own revolt. That has made us realize in some way, shape, or form we all need to address some issues that will free us from a mental and emotionally bondage. It has been said Freedom is not given it is a birthright. But there are some moments when it must be taken. And I hope the steps you have taken/ taking have led/ is leading you to your freedom as well as encouraging others to take theirs.

I think was you did was noble and will start you on the path to healing. I had a drug addicted father who blames all his bad behavior on drug. He has been clean for about 19 years now and still does not have a relationship with his daughters. He tries to have it through me his only son but I am a mediator. He has to do it himself.

I learn some years ago you can pick your friends, your career, and your mate but unfortunately you cannot pick your family. You have to deal with what you got. Forgive not forget and move on. Take them for what they are. I love my father but I do not depend on him for support, nuturing, nothing. I have come to realize he was given the thing parent get or discover when nuturing a child. He was just not set to be anyone's dad.

Derrick, Opening your soul and exposing what makes you hurt and hate will bring you peace. One never knows the outcome of our or someone elses actions. I'm sure you didn't know what to expect when you confronted your father... and I'm sure you were dissapointed with the outcome. Let what happened in those 45minutes be what heal you. In an altered state your dads mind was no longer his own. His mind is damaged from the drug use - thus his mind should not be the cause of your pain.

I am so sad when I see my brothers hurt. I get sooo angry when I know that my brothers pain is due to the actions of their father. We can't excuse him for what he did, but its incredibly important to learn from it... and grow from it. Manure is fertalizer! When someone dishes me a serving of crap I try to figure out how it can nourish me.

Take you back D!
xoxo

I was moved by what you wrote and I believe you should forgive your father. Obviously he hasn't forgotten you and what actions he took he has to live with. He will never get back the time he lost from being w/you. But just like you have a story, he might have a story too and it might explain why he chose the path he took. to hold a grudge or hate will only hurt you. You will really feel free if you forgive.

Your a GREAT man!

Dane

Derrick,

Thank you for sharing your hurt and pain. It takes a "real man" to do that. Even though I can't relate, it really moved me. Forgive as God has forgiven us. I'll continue to pray for you.

P

First, english is not my first language, so sorry if I make some mistake when I spell the words!!!!
Your story really moved　me. I myself grew up without my father, and I still don t know him, at 25. Now things get even more difficults, when my mum is white french-italian, and I ve been raised in europe, with only white people around me, family and school friends. The strange thing is that I always felt different, but I found out later why. I wasn t 100% white. Not that I look white, but when you are kid you just don:t know until someone tels you.
It may sound strange, but my mum never aknowledge that fatc, cause probably, it didn't and still doesn't matter to her cause I am her baby. However it matters to a lot of other people, including people of my family. No wonder how the only "different" girl in the school - my friend sana, who'se family is from Tunisia- became and is still my best friend, and I should say sister.
When I went to high school, It was a shock cause for the first time, I was around people who look like me - black, arabics, indians, etc... Most of my friends were black, but then I didn t like the fact that they were talking bad about white people, the same way some white people were talking bad about them. Now I am 25 turning 26 and most of the people I get along with are more international, who travel, or at least more open minded.
I hate myself being categoried as a race, cause for me the only one race is the human race. You can be proud of your heritage. I am proud of my italian, french roots, and even black roots. But if you ask me "what I am", I'll answer I am 25, in good health and good shape!

Well D,
the Lord works in mysterious ways, and by you sharing your story, you have opened the hearts and minds of so many Black Men and Women who have struggled with the same feelings. For me the struggle to forgive both of my parents has been something I've had to live with for most of my life. The first lessons we learn about love and hate (or even life for that matter) come from our parents and caregivers, and when that love and involvement is abscent we formulate or own opinions , which may become very harmful to our existance. Being abandoned or abused by a parent is devistating, and no matter how hard you try to overcome it, it plays over in your mind like a broken record. You develop a fear of being vulnerable and giving and receiving love, because you don't want to be disappointed if your affection is not appreciated or reciprocated. You can't cheat yourself or the others that truly love you out of experiencing all the love that you have inside to give. I've learned that you just have to accept the cards you were delt and move forward as best as you can, give your daughter everything that you missed as a child, so that she doesn't grow up with the same scars. Forgive you father, beacuse believe it or not you turned out just fine, and it's his loss that he chose not to be an active part of your life. Just think, if you hadn't gone through these trials and tribulations would you have become the man that you are today...probably not. Pain is the pathway to peace, and no sucessful person has gone without it. Your faith is stong, and God knows that, that's probably why he chose you to experience the things that you did, but learn from your experience and continue to share your story with others, so they too can move forward. In closing, remember life's lessons don't define who you are or will be come, they just enhance your knowledge and make you stronger!

Wishing you all the blessings in the world,

Grei

Well D, I must say that you were doing what you needed to do for you. I had a confrontation with my biological dad July 4th of 2002. He explained to me that he stayed away from me growing up to make me 'tough'. I asked him, while crying, "What type of shit is that to say to a child who longed for your love?" The struggles my mom, who is deceased now, went through to raise me the relatives who watched me while my mom worked 11p to 7a as a nurse. I then told him, I thank you for not being there for me. Because of your absence, I GOT A FATHER!!! You see, my mother met a nice man who she married and I tried not to love him because I did not want to replace the father I had(who wasn't a real man).

I let my biological know that a my stepdad, Bubba (who is also deceased), showed me the loved I needed and wanted so bad from him and he taught me to love everyone, even those who were and are absent from my life.

That's what i told him, I loved him anyway. Now's that what a real dad teaches his child. There are very few, if any, men who raise the step children after the spouse dies. i miss my Bubba a lot and I want to share a real father's love with you, D.
For we all need that. My love and glad to see you're back in the blog-house.....May God bless you and keep you as strong as you are.

Hello Derrick, I really enjoyed you sharing your experience strength and being free. It is such a wonderful thing when we can find a way to move in to another chapter of our lifes and not feel bound with chains and shackles because we have had something (pain) holding us back for so long. We can't allow resentments to cause other unhealthy things to manifest in our lives and cause health problems.
Val G

Hey Derrick. What's up, hehe... I had to respond to this one.

It takes a lot to finally realize that sometimes for things to change, YOU have to change. Change is definitely hard, an almost-impossible challenge to change others, but you have absolute control to change yourself. And by opening your heart again to release that burden is a great change... change for the better, change for more happiness.

Fathers will ALWAYS think they know more than their children or know what's best for them, no changing that, I'm sure you can relate as you're a father yourself. I had my own battles with my dad (no one would of guessed with our close relationship now that I hated him as a child). I had a revelation when I finally got away from home and decided to forgive him during my first year in college. He didn't ask for it, probably never will, and I didn't tell him he was forgiven. I did it within myself for my own sake. Someone posted that confrontation may not be the "solution" as it may simply reopen the wounds and reiterate the hate. It didn't for me b/c when I confronted him on numerous occasions, his answers did nothing for me but make me more mad... his answers to me sounded like he was justifying his actions. I don't think you're going to get what you're seeking from him from your confrontation b/c he's not going to blame himself, he's going to blame the drugs or your mother.

Why do some people do drugs and let it ruin their family, why do some people do crazy ish that doesn't make sense? Because we're human and we've been given free will. Many of our choices are bad, but you know what, big or small mistakes, God forgives. And you should to. And let me tell you, it's HARD!

I've been blessed to have been raised with both parents, but you know what, it's not all peaches and cream as those raised by single parents think it is.

First of D, I just want to say that God will always and forever be walking with you. I also want to say, that I am happy that you were able to get some things off of your chest with your father. Even though all of your questions may have gone unanswered, you cannot say that you didn't try. It probably took a lot for you to even go there with him, but you did.

Now your next step will be to continue to release the demons that have had their hold on you for so long. I'll be praying for you. I am adopted, I have known since I was 7 years old. I was born just 45 minutes from where I currently live and I sometimes wonder if my biological parents are still there. I had a good life, I personal thank them everyday for giving me the opportunity to have a good childhood, knowing that they may not have been able to do right by me.

I wanted to let you know that even though I do not know who my biological parents are, I was raised by two people who will forever be the only parents I know. They were not perfect, nor was I, but like God does with our sins, all is forgiven. There are so many things that parents should be: loving, supportive, strong, and so much more. They are not perfect, I am not a perfect parent to my children. So please, pray for strength to open your heart and let go of all the bad things that have happened in your life. Pray for peace from these feeling you may have towards your father. Apparently you will be more of a man than he will ever be, so take one day at a time and you will be okay.

God bless you!!

D:

"Crumbs from the table" in deed. What a gift to others that you have chosen to share such a personal bit of yourself. God obviously shines on you and will continue to do so. I pray that your pain and recovery from it might serve as an inspiration to some with similar (or maybe not so similar) blocks to their happiness. No speeches from me, Kid... Talk soon.

Kevin Chixo Gibbs

Derrick, I am really proud of you for even being open to reaching out and confronting your dad (or co-creator as I used to call mine). Doing this doesn't always mean you will get the answers you need for comfort but it will hopefully allow you to release and exhale. The mere fact that you know what taking ownership would have meant in this conversation means that you are light years beyond the place your dad was and is for whatever his reasons. Big steps Derrick.

Wow D...

I love that you're so willing to pour such a private moment out on a public forum. Few of us are willing to be introspective and courageous enough to face the ghosts of our pasts and realistically evaluate the ways in which they continue to haunt us.

Your friend is right about the effects of absentee fathers on our adult lives. Anger, resentment, and bitterness build up over time as we process the fear and sadness we felt as children. That anger then errodes our relationships; our bodies (ulcers, back pain, high blood pressure, headaches); our minds as we lose trust in those around us; and our spirits as we even loose our faith in a higher power.

I wish you healing, resilience, and the courage to forgive your father one day. In forgiveness we do not diminish the magnitude of the injustice done, but rather we acknowledge the offender's humanity and flawed nature - and set ourselves free from their bondage.

As someone who has walked a similar path and shares your pain, I wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Kristel

hey d,

kyle here ... man i just read your note about your father and i understand. my father and my mother were not in my life. thing is man, i am not sure if we EVER really get over that. unfortunately or fortunately (depend on how you look at it) these powerful moments are part of our fiber forever. i dont think there is ever complete closure .. just memories of the past that sometimes effect our present, and how we strive to have our future be a positive force for those who enter and share our lives. perhaps only at death will these moments not have an impact on our lives. it is just up to us wheather they have a positive or negative influence over us.

blessings and vision my brother,

kyle donovan

p.s. I love j.lo 2 :)

This story is incredible, Now it make since why we rock the way we do D. You have fucked me up this morning with this one. we both walk the same line except I lost the hate toward my father long ago. Let me start it like this, life is difficult and life without god, scratch that lets call him by his real name "Jahova" in your life is that much more difficult. I'm no super christian nor Jahova witness, but I do believe and I do pray.

That is the only way to take the anger away from your heart, this man (your father) gave you life but he did not make you who you are. Jahova did that, he guided you to the people that you have met on your travel and gave you the legacy you will leave behind, so far so good in my opinion.

We are men and i'm not making any excuses for your pops cuz like I said my pops bounced on me a couple of days after I was born, and then made his one day apperance when I was 12 with a computer, which is the best thing he could've done for me. I never heard from him again untill I went to college and that was because he was locked up for drug possesion, and jail will make you think about your life and your fuck ups. The shit that sucks about what my pops did is that it made me look at my mother and question what happened. Was she just a jump off? Did he just deal with her cuz she was going to have the baby? Or did he ever love her? You know how single men living in NYC are these days with women, lets think about the late 60's and 70's when everything was free love, drugs, and goodtimes. Many babies were born and like I said i am not making excuses for him, just giving you and angle to look at to help you deal with the hate.

This is how you deal with your pops and its not going to be easy. you talk to him man to man and discuss what he was going thru. Ask him how did he get into drugs, how did he meet your moms, did they decide to make a child or were you a love child like me? More questions will come to you when you start belive me, I've been rehearsing for sometime now.

The brick is personal but to me it sounds like a mixture of giving up on his family and his self all combined with the drugs. I envy you in away D. cuz you can at least talk to your pops, I have no contact, and to my knowledge I have other siblings, now tell me if that isn't fucked up.

Cornell Davis if you read this get at me we have some talking to do.

Shamal Da'Kimm Davis

Welcome BACK!.....I hope that void in your life is closed...I hope you are FREE! I even hope that your past is in the past an that it's a bridge you will never have to cross again......I think we men say an do things wrong, when it comes to family..(not all the time)...I guess we get scared, dont want to be tied down....(like we are looking for a place to run an hide)....We as men dont realize what we've done until the END! I guess thats what they call growing up. Dont hate your father..(pray for him) You ever notice how many songs are made about Mama!......What about Daddy?...........one thing your Dad said that I can agree with is..."REAL MEN DO REAL THINGS"......BEING A DAD IS EASY! BEING A FATHER IS RESPONSIBLE!.....................EVEN

Hey D - I must say... You are more than a good man, if anything, for simply being able to express yourself so openly and being able to show you are a human being. I know very few people who are willing to expose so much.
I believe that you are right, delving into this topic in your life is what needs to be done.
Your father is just a man, like all of us. Some of us figured it out a little better than others, and it seems like you have been through alot that you have kept inside, and its coming out and well, you should be proud. Proud of what you are addressing. Proud of what you are seeking to learn about yourself and, most importantly, proud of where you are in your life. We get to where we are by going through what comes - ups downs, dissapointments and triumphs. You are who you are because of what happens in your life and i believe people need to embrace that fact.
I respect you for your candor. The answer is within you and right next to where you are wherever you are. Look around you. Not to get cheesy, but i know theres alot of people who respect and love you. Family, friends and all the people in your world. and thats what is important.
Embrace your search for knowledge of self - and know it never ends.
Todd

D thanks for sharing that. I know how naked it can feel to reveal "real" things about yourself on a blog that allows for comment. Recently I started writing about some of the pain I've experienced in my family - my situation is not that much different from your own, except it was my mother who left our family (why more is not written on that subject I'll never know - I guess I'll have to write my own book on it one day... digressing). When my mother sdid return, friends said the same things "release the anger" "speak to her", etc, etc (I'm sure you've heard them all as well. Well like you I didn't get the answers I was looking for... from her. And guess what, you are never going to get the answers you need from your dad. Somewhere in his head he still feels like it is everybody else's fault - and I hope what you took away from that is that the onlperson who you are truly going to get answers that matter to you are from you.

... and a board certified shrink. I don't mean that to be funny; I am serious. Too often many of us buy into what I call "idea hysteria" - in that we hear something so much that we start to believe it to be true. These ideas about anger, and pain and healing that I hear in the media from self professed "gurus", "life coaches", "self-help books" and Oprah have become so pervasive that we now believe them to be true... and our friends believe them to be true and then your friends re-inforce these false ideas to you. My point is that true help is not going to come from any of those sources - my shrink and I actually discuss (and laugh) about some of these ideas that people now believe to be true in regards to healing themselves.

Yo D! That's quite a story man!

The way I read it, is that you wanted understanding for all the things he did & what you've been going through.
And at the end he didn't!!!
Although its very hard (& maybe painfull) try to see it from bigger perspective. This man has (had) serious problems...
I think people look at their parents as people who are far ahead of them.
There comes a time for some of us that we are ahead of our parents.
Its strange to see (& feel) the wrongs & rights, from the people who you thought that always made the right decision.
Develop yourself, you seemed to already do that with all the people around you!
Free your mind & the rest will follow! ;)

Starting to get more of a story about myself haha
Hope y'all feeling me in a way.
Hard to explain in English for me.

Peace,
Richard/Sopi
Rotterdam, Holland.

Darling, I admire you for facing your dramatic pass and finding closer. I wish I could do the same and meet my father and tell him he is why I can not trust no man till this day. I know I will over come this problem slowly. For once in my life now I have someone who is actually good to me and understands my pass and is helping to over come my trust issues & fears! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us !!

d, just know that your situation is similiar to millions of kids. often we think that confrontation will release the hate. however, it usually re-enforces it. how i achieved ulitmate happiness and love was looking at the situation from an adult perspective not the hurt child view. i asked myself simply, if i met this man in any other way would he be in my circle of friends?. the answer was a resounding, "no." people who don't accept thier part in any relationship and who look to blame everybody(everything) else are usually not the kind of people we keep in our lives for long. look for what the lesson is. what did this teach you about parenting, childhood pains, romantic relationships, family ties, manhood, drugs, and reconciling it all to move forward and have the happiness and love that you deserve. you friend is right love and hate can't exist simulataneously. the opposite of love is apathy not hate. wanting to love parents is what children do. just remember that when you can't love close, love from afar. oh, a good cry usually releases the pain. take the time to just feel the pain. after that it's done.

I just read your journal talking about your past life situations. You really went through alot. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But you see how god worked it out so that you were finally able to confront your dad and speak your heart. Now you are free. Well at least I hope you feel free. I just want you to be happy. You seem like a really special kind of person. Have a good day and may God Bless You and Your Family.

Pam